Sep. 17th, 2013

ophelias_heart: (Default)
All I ever feel is guilty.

Henry started daycare yesterday. He did really well for his first day, he didn't cry when I left, I didn't cry when I left, he ate good, he wasn't feeling the mat for nap, but they rocked him a little and he did fine. I only called twice. Then I got a call from them, he had tried to climb the sink stairs, fallen, and hit his head. They called to warn me that there would be an accident report with his daily page. They said he didn't even cry he just kept saying fall, fall. On the report it says action taken and they wrote "looked over the area with the bump and showed lots of love." It was sweet and made me smile. They also said that at music time he kept trying to sing with whatever they were playing.

He did fine this morning too, but then when I called they said that he had been more emotional today. That he was fine right then, but that he had more ups and downs than yesterday, which almost made me cry. He's fine and I know that he's fine, but it makes my heart hurt that daycare is a big change and it's hard for a little guy.

Then I feel guilty for feeling sad about him doing okay with a big change when other people have actual problems. Don't get me wrong I'm not sad that he's doing okay, I'm just sad that he so little and he's having to deal with a huge change for his little world.

Henry and I went up Sunday to my dad and Jackie's. She's going to have the surgery to remove the mass in her abdomen sometime in October allegedly. They had the RV back from the shop, so Sean wanted to show it to me. He turned it on and said that they didn't have the levelers (or anchors or whatever) down so he wouldn't show me the slides. He and I were looking around and I look behind me and Henry has climbed into the drivers seat grabbed the wheel and was making car noises. It's a nice older RV, it has two slides and a really nice little tub/shower. Then Sean started to put out the one slide and I panicked. Full disclosure: I have a phobia of anything on wheels larger than a 15 passenger van. I am absolutely convinced that they are going to turn over. It took me years to be okay in cars and vans, but I just have panic attacks when I am on buses or RV's, where you can feel the weight shift. Just thinking about it is making my heart pound. Even still cars or vans parked on any kind of incline make me break out in a cold sweat and have trouble breathing. So I told Sean not to put the slide out that it was fine and then I grabbed Henry and ran outside. I then had to explain my extreme fear of large vehicles. I HATE feeling afraid of anything. I just do whatever it is until I don't fear it anymore, with two exceptions: my fear of large vehicles rolling over and my fear of worms.

Wow that is much longer than I meant for it to be.


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