My stepmom called Monday and my dad has leukemia (specifically cmml) and also MDS (myelodysplatic syndrome) which both mean his bone marrow is dead/dying. With his prior conditions they are unable to do a transplant. They also think that his lung cancer might be back(I'm not sure if my stepmom thinks that or the drs). The doctors say that there is a 10% chance he will make it a year. They are going to do a type of treatment that is chemo or similar to chemo (which he has reacted well to in general in the past), but I don't think anyone thinks this is a cure, I'm pretty sure it's just a time grab. It's so different than it was when my mom got sick and so sickeningly the same. I'm not sure what I'm feeling or doing, I'm just kind of adrift. Patrick is trying so much harder to help then he did with my mom and I get that it's because he's older and there isn't as much animosity with my dad, but it's almost upseting, because I was much closer to my mom.
I'm so sad, but at the same time I feel horrible because when my mom was dying I was wishing it was my dad and now I am wishing my stepmom would go first, because she's so much more difficult to deal with. I'm mad and upset because life isn't fair!

Friday my mom would have been 60. I just, for so long I didn't want other people to talk about her because I wanted her memory all to myself and now I wish more people would talk to me about her and what they remember. I worry that sometimes I can't remember how she smelled and how her arms felt hugging me.

I was prepared for Friday to kinda suck, what I was not prepared for is that Helo (our orange kitty) has cancer. He was not putting a lot of weight on him back leg Friday before last or so. The vet thought it was an abscess so he got a shot and some meds, we went back Tuesday and nothing had changed so more meds and Friday was a recheck. They did an x-ray and they are 95ish% sure that it's cancer and that it's spread. Since it's more than likely spread amputation is not an option. They said that they could do chemo and radiation to the tune of at least $10,000, which even if we had that, I hate the thought of him not understanding why we are causing him more pain. Mostly because they said he has maybe six weeks, if it's as fast moving as they think. He is in a obvious amount of pain and is lethargic, so I think we are going to have to make the call this week. He's only seven and I'm not ready, but I don't want to put him through more suffering because I'm not ready. Henry couldn't figure out why I was upset and just kept asking Patrick "mommy crying?" I really don't cry a lot and crying in public is the worst.

Monday we found out that we have another few pinhole leaks in the pipes. They want to replace the the whole system. Which would be great if we had money for that. Also, it's kinda difficult to get a loan when you don't actually own anything outright. Trying to see if we can just patch some more and wait. Eventually we will have replaced the whole thing two inch sections at a time.

Also, yesterday Henry had a nosebleed. He ran into the wall at daycare and they didn't think he hit his face, but later he had a nosebleed. Not sure if he really did hit it or if it's allergies or something else.

On the bright side, my dad is having his last round of chemo this week. He will probably still have to have maintenance chemo for the rest of his life, but overall this is good news. Patrick had a flat tire last week, but we were able to get it patched, so that's good. And I have a lot of people that love me, so that's always amazing.

Prompt: Something I Thought I Would Never Do
Part: 3/?
Pairings: Nell/Callen
Warnings: None
Word Count: 627

Walking up to her door, he knew that this was going to be tough. Knocking, he was sure that no matter what he needed her back.
Looking out the door Nell who had obviously been crying said, “What do you want, Callen?”
Callen fumbled for where to start, “Uh, well, it’s..I… Can I come in? We need to talk.”
“Look G, I said everything I needed to earlier, so just go,” Nell said defeated.
“You said what you needed to say, but I was hoping you would let me talk. Please,” Callen begged.
“Fine, but don’t just say you’re sorry and expect everything to go back. I know that you think I’m young and you think I’m book smart, not street smart, but I’ve been through firearms training too. I have had to fight like hell my whole life to be taken seriously and the person I trusted the mos-.”
“Nell, let me talk, okay, just let me tell you what was going through my head,” he waited for her nod before continuing, “This was just something I thought I would never do. And this was definitely not how I pictured doing it, but I wanted to show you this,” Callen said pulling a ring box out of his pocket, “and show you the receipt.”
Nell took the box and gasped when she saw a beautiful engagement ring.
“You bought this two months ago? I don’t understand. You were going to propose two months ago? Why didn’t you?” Nell asked still feeling hurt and now shocked.
“No, I had it sized two months ago I bought it after our third date. I didn’t have a plan, I just knew it was what I wanted for us. I knew YOU were what I wanted,” Callen explained, “I didn’t call Hetty because I think that you are not capable of taking care of yourself or because I think you need looking after. I thought that you would take it more seriously from her. Deeks and Sam were missing and I just needed to not have to worry about you, too. I needed to be team leader and not have in the back of my mind that Janvier had figured out what was really the most important thing in the world to me. I respect Deeks and Sam is family, but I don’t think that I could get over losing you. And if Janvier knew that, he would use it. It turns out that my own stupidity lost you anyway, but at least you’re alive. At least I know that even if you don’t forgive me, you can find happiness with someone else.”
“G, I was worried about you too, but you can’t call my boss any time there’s trouble. If we are going to make this work, you have to deal with me and trust that I am a fully capable person and also that I trust you enough to do what you ask when I know that you are worried,” Nell said tears streaking her face.
“I know and I’m so sorry. Nellie, I love you! I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t work well with other people sometimes and I tend to not consult anyone. I just have to learn how to be in a relationship. Can we still be in a relationship?” Callen looked at her hopefully.
“Okay,” Nell conceded.
“Okay?” Callen made it a question.
“Yes, but we aren’t getting engaged right now, I won’t tell my family we got engaged because of our first big fight,” Nell said smiling for the first time that night.
“Sure, but I’m serious when I say I want you for forever. I want us to be a real family, rings and paperwork, all legal.”

Prompt: Lying to yourself
Part: 3/3
Pairing: Deeks/Kensi
Warning: AU of Season 4 finale.
Word Count: 263

The next day Nell hands Kensi a thumb drive.
“Nell, what is this?”
“Um, uh, you should listen to it. I think that you should hear it. I know we haven’t had a lot of girl time together lately, but I know that you are struggling with something and I think that this will help.”
“Nell, what are you talking about, I’m fine,” Kensi says, trying and failing to pull off carefree and unconcerned.
“Kensi, Deeks isn’t the only one to call you out when you’re lying to yourself. I know you and I know that you are not fine, but you can listen to it or not. I just wanted to give you a chance to let yourself be happy.”
Kensi, not knowing how to react, just nods, takes the flash drive and walks away.


It takes her all weekend to decide if she even wants to know what is on the drive. On Sunday night she decides she needs to listen. She plugs it into her computer and starts the audio file.
At first it’s just yelling and gunshots. Then you can hear Sam asking if Michelle is okay. He starts to ask about Deeks and then you hear Michelle telling Eric to send an ambulance that Deeks is down. Why would Nell want me to hear this, oh my God, this is awful. She thinks about stopping it, but then she hears Deeks’ voice asking Sam for a favor. Hearing him say those words, she can’t control the tears that form in her eyes.

Prompt: Nine Lives
Part: 1/3
Characters/Pairing: Deeks/Kensi
Warning: AU of Season 4 finale.
Word Count: 381

Deeks is backup for Sam and Michelle’s last meeting with Siderov. He is slowly incapacitating guards on the property when he hears the yelling start. He recognizes Sam’s voice immediately and runs toward the sound. He gets there just in time to see Siderov pull his gun. He runs while drawing his weapon and ends up right in front of Michelle as Siderov pulls the trigger. He doesn’t feel the pain at first. He, Sam and Michelle clear the area of Siderov and his men. While they are checking for pulses and kicking guns away, Deeks sees the blood on his shirt. The bullet hit his abdomen. He drops to his knees. Sam comes over to apply pressure and assess how much of a problem they have, while Michelle lets Eric know to call an ambulance.

Deeks is losing a lot of blood and he is running out of time. He’s been shot before, but this feels different. “Sam, I think I’ve used up my nine lives, can you do me a favor.”

Sam smiles, “Deeks I am not taking that mutt to raise.”

“No, I mean, that’s a good idea, but no I need you to tell Kensi something. Can you...can you just, just tell her that I wasn’t trying to get myself killed.”

“Deeks, man, you’re fine, I’ve had worse injuries on the other side of the world. You’ll be fine, the ambulance is only a few minutes away.”

“Sam, stop, I need her to know that I love her. That I have always loved her. I wanted to tell her, but I was afraid she would run. Every time I came close to talking about it, something came up and we were “fine” again. I don’t want to be fine, I want to be amazing. She makes me feel amazing and now I’m just one more person who is leaving her.”

“You’re not leaving her. You’re going to be fine. And then you are going to have to decide whether you are going to actually tell her all these things yourself.”

At that point Deeks passes out and they hear the sirens so Michelle runs out to meet the EMTs.

Prompt: You Didn't Ask
Part: 2/?
Pairing: Nell/Callen
Word Count: 269

Part 2
Nell immediately collects her phone and calls Callen:
“G, what is your location?”
“Nell, I’m driving, I know that you are upse-”
“You think that just because we are dating you get to have Hetty order me around?”
“Nell, it’s not just that we are dating and you know it. Can we talk about this later?”
“You called Hetty, behind my back, to get her to hold me hostage here, instead of treating me like an adult and calling me and asking, so no it can’t wait until later .”
“Um, Nell?” Eric said tapping her on her shoulder.
“Eric, I’m on the phone, it’s kinda important.”
“Uh, yeah, we can all hear you, Callen’s earwig is on.”
“Sorry, Nell, I didn’t get a chance to turn it off when you called and you wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise,” Callen said while he was disconnecting his earwig.
“Well, it doesn’t matter because there is nothing for the team to know now anyways.”
“Nell, I was just trying to protect you.” Callen said, trying to make her understand.
“This is not the way you treat an adult that you have a relationship with, or whatever it was that we had. You didn’t ask me to stay here and be safe, you called my boss and basically told her we were dating and that you don’t think that I can take care of myself. Well, you don’t need to worry about me any more. We are done. Goodbye,” Nell said, hanging up.

Well, I haven't been to the gym in a least a week. I have also been eating terribly because I like to eat my feelings and I'm a bit of a wreck. However, after Henry's teacher called Monday to say that they wanted me to know that he had been there for 2 or 3 hours and was still really upset, he has gotten better every day. He still cries when I drop him off, but he doesn't follow me to the door sobbing and yelling. Today was picture day and he wore overalls and a plaid shirt.

( Spoiler question about NCIS: LA 5.01 )

Episode Title: The Job (2.20NCIS: LA)
Caf-Pow rating: 4 Caf-pows
Review: 1021-words
I really liked this episode and I think it was a turning point for Kensi and Deeks. Two guys in masks break into a Camp Pendleton warehouse and one makes enough noise to get caught and then won't drop his gun and gets shot. The other guy leaves him there with a get-away car that I'm not sure how it got on base. Anyway, the guy who got shot is named Asher and he is whiny and really nervous and talky. Callen and Sam say that Kensi should be used to someone talking all the time. G and Sam get a name with a Kumani, which is actually pretty awesome little con. I love the small things that Callen and Sam pull off, that all have names and are amazing. My favorite is Mr. Carl.
Next we see someone breaking into a lovely home, which we find out is King's (the non bullet holed burglar) house and it turns out that the burglar's burglar is Kensi. Side note, that is a beautiful house and I love the architecture. "Lisa" claims to have learned B&E from a misspent youth, but Eric quickly tells everyone that he taught her. Nell and Eric commiserate over never getting any credit and are kinda right. They do a lot of work and everyone always thanks the agents. And I know that maybe they just don't show it, but they get left out of being asked to go get dinner or a drink because they are upstairs and no one thinks. While I was not fond of Nell at first she has really grown on me and I enjoy the friendship of Eric and Nell. Deeks is concerned that he's never heard Kensi sound like that before, but the guys mock him for not knowing that she is trying to seduce King.
Kensi takes King to Asher and Asher backs up her story and King straight up murders him, right in front of her. He tells her to take care of the body and then they can talk money. Deeks gets to Kensi and asks how she is and she says 'fine'. He already knows that fine means anything but fine in Kensiland. So he tells her to hang out by the car and calls Hetty to see if they can't just charge King with murder and forget this whole op, but Hetty wants to make sure the whys of the burglary.
So King starts to research Kensi's alias's history and he's getting to the end of the backstop and so Callen and Sam have to distract him. The redhead he was meeting with starts to leave and Deeks pretends to get hit by her car. They find out her name is Patricia and they bring her in for questioning and when she tells them what she knows they turn her over to LAPD.
Kensi ends up at King's house again and some guys show up with Patricia. Of course the guys blame Deeks for this, because LAPD should have kept her longer and apparently that is entirely on Deeks. It makes me sad sometimes how they treat Deeks. King shoves Kensi in the pool and everyone things that he is trying to kill her, but in fact he is saving her from the bomb that immediately explodes. The aftermath of that is that all communication with Kensi is lost. So they have to try to figure out why he took her.
Turns out he wants to break back into the warehouse on base for a green dragon, that might or might not have stolen or illegal goods inside it. The guys are all waiting at the warehouse and catch them before they can leave and Kensi starts away from King, but he grabs her and holds her at gunpoint. She ends up saving herself, gets punched in the face for it. Deeks then punches King in the face 'for hitting his partner'. Deeks hurts his hand, which makes me happy, because people who don't hurt themselves punching someone aren't really hitting them. It hurts, which I know from listening to the Fired Up commentary.
Sam and Callen are going to eat, but Deeks and Kensi both pass. Kensi tells Deeks that she's fine, but then thinks better and says good.
Kensi is lounging at her house, when there is a knock at the door and when she looks it's Deeks she sees. He says he was going to call, but he was already out front so it was redundant. But he specifically went and got her food and could have called at any time, however he knew if he called she would say not to come check on her, so he just showed up with her kryptonite: food. He makes fun of her messy house and they start watching Top Model. This marks the first time they hang out outside of work, that I remember. I love that them hanging out is just beers and stupid tv.
I like that we see how very observance Deeks is in this episode with him noticing that Kensi only uses fine, when she's not and identifying Patricia with the bracelets. He also, calls Hetty and questions why she is doing something, which is either because he is still new and unaware that that is extremely dangerous or he cares about Kensi enough to stand up for her to Hetty. He also goes and checks on her after the op and I think it's because he can relate to not being able to stop things in an undercover op, but he's smart enough to know that he can't go in with caring and understanding or Kensi will run away. So he goes with friendship and beer/food. I also love that having experienced something kinda traumatic and having questioned herself, Deeks can still make Kensi smile. When he gets 'hit' by Patricia's car she is sitting in the driver seat trying not to laugh. For me this is the first time that we see that they are good for each other, even if they don't notice it at all.
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